To Pee or Not to Pee

I must confess that Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte makes my pulse quicken.  Yes, I’m a Marylander who should think all things aquatic begin and end with our own Michael Phelps.  Phelps is a genuine sports legend, but Lochte is medal-worthy in both swimming and looks IMHO.

If you watched his recent interview with Today show’s Matt Lauer, Lochte isn’t as adept at interviews as media-savy Phelps.  But he IS disarmingly honest.  When he admitted to Ryan Seacrest that he has, in fact, peed in the pool, stating that “sometimes you just gotta go,” it elicited a comment from none other than British Prime Minister David Cameron who was not amused. 

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 “I’m surprised to hear that,” Cameron said.  “It’s not OK to pee in the pool.”  Lochte’s laid-back approach to the art of cryptic interview answers must be inherited.  His mom recently stated that he didn’t really have time for developing relationships with girls due to his packed schedule, and had to make do with ‘one night stands’.  Ryan laughed when he heard what his mother said, knowing that she meant he didn’t have time for more than a date here and there.

So unphased was Lochte that when comedian Will Ferrell contacted him about doing a “Funny or Die” YouTube clip on pool-peeing, Ryan jumped right in.  Tongue firmly in cheek, he remarked that he plans on writing a book called “Fifty Shades of Yellow” and producing a series of podcasts redubbed “peecasts”.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bbf2c287fe/peeing-in-pools-with-ryan-lochte?playlist=featured_videos

Whether they will publicly admit it or not, most people have peed in the water during recreational swimming.  And until a safe, urine-activated marker is invented for chlorinated pools to embarrass swimmers into compliance, it will continue.  Note here that it is an urban legend that a substance has already been invented.  Despite their parents’ instructions, kids are prone to use the pool rather than disrupt their fun to seek out a restroom.  And, I suspect it isn’t restricted to the under-18 age group either.

If you’ve ever wondered about how safe it is to swim with the bladder-challenged group, just keep your mouth closed while you read the following.

Think chlorine kills everything?  It does kill many germs, but when it mixes with urine, it can cause irritants that produce a skin rash and red eyes.

Remember the once-ubiquitous signs that demanded everyone shower before entering the pool?  Few people shower with soap before entering a pool, but it does help prevent illness by removing germs from the skin.  And the nether regions of our bodies can pack a germ-filled wallop.  Also, cryptosporidium bacteria are chlorine resistant and are the main cause of gastroenteritis from swimming in pools.  While the proper amount of chlorine will kill most bacteria within a minute, it’s worth noting that during public pool inspections, one in eight pools are shut down temporarily for improper chlorine levels, according to the Center for Disease Control.   

So, although I doubt he'd be interested, I'd swim with Ryan Lochte anytime.  I'm just not going to do it with my mouth open. 

Fifty Shades of Red

After seeing several online postings and a segment of NBC's Today Show, I decided to see what all the buzz was about E.L. James' work of fiction, "Fifty Shades of Grey".  I almost didn't buy it because it ticked me off that the Kindle download was more expensive than the paperback edition.  After a few days of principled chest-beating, I caved and spitefully bought the less expensive paperback, especially when I saw that I could recoup nearly all my money by selling the carefully-read novel on Ebay.  The price differential wouldn't have bothered me so much if it were just one book, but this is a trilogy. And given what I'd heard about the book, I preferred the comparative anonymity of my Kindle if I were to be seen reading it in public.

Reading the book in public turned out to not be an issue.  I sat down to read about 7 p.m. a few evenings ago and read non-stop until I finished the 600+ page book around 8 a.m. the next morning.  Reading marathons don't strike very often in my household.  I'm quite embarrassed to say that the last time that happened was when I got hooked on the four-book "Twilight" series, and I came close to it on the "Hunger Games" trilogy, reading all three books in a week..

What kind of story sucks a reader in so completely that she abandons the siren song of blissful slumber?  Uhhhh, well, frankly....sex (she says as she looks at the ground and scrapes shoe distractedly).  It's not that the writing is great.  If the main character - who has been dubbed the "S&M Cinderella"-uttered the words, "Oh my" or "Wow" one more time, I was going to punch her.  The descriptions become repetitive.  How many different ways can you describe one of the most basic human behaviors?  Despite its shortcomings, the soft porn novel has hit the New York Times Bestseller List with a vengeance.  It has allowed millions of women to eagerly wait for the brown cardboard box to hit their porch.   And only the order fulfillment folks at Amazon know.

The story is so blush-worthy that the author herself was extremely self-conscious while giving a televised interview.  And why, in the post-feminist age of independent women, is a narrative that extols the seduction of an innocent college student by a twisted, young billionaire so enticing?  I'm afraid I don't have the language skills to explain that and have it still be printed here.

I can only say that if men want an advantage when it comes to picking up women, they have an extra weapon.  They need not restrict themselves to the gyms, the Whole Foods aisles or the bars in Fells Point.  All they need to do is head for the nearest bookstore, cafe or coffeehouse and find a woman with her head buried in one of these books... or wait for the upcoming movie.  You're halfway home.