As the year 2011 draws to a close, lots of people struggle with a list of resolutions for the new year. Not me. I never keep them and believe them to be a colossal waste of time and effort. Instead, I offer you my hopes and wishes for the coming year. These too can be yours.
To the person who rearranged the lawn ornaments: you have an admirable sense of humor, but I wish you won't force the Virgin Mary to cradle Frosty the Snowman next year.
To the people who carry signs announcing the end of the world, please tell me it's just because you've maxed out your credit cards and are hoping you won't have to pay them.
To the guys who offer to spot their weightlifting buddies at the gym....don't do it if you're not wearing underwear under those gym shorts.
I wish someone would confirm or disprove for me once and for all whether all Jewish people go to Chinese restaurants on Christmas.
I hope that no one pepper sprays me at next year's Black Friday sales. Oh, I forgot....I shop online.
I hope someone gives me a pair of pants like the Incredible Hulk's. Even when he goes through the change, they still fit.
I wish someone would explain why I'm not allowed to smile for my passport photo. Am I more recognizable when I look like a mental health facility resident?
I'd like someone to explain "Bronies" to me....men who collect My Little Ponies.
I wish I could go to whatever qualifies as driving school for people who ride around on elephants.
Just once, I wish I could ride on an airplane next to a man who doesn't splay his legs out at the knees and invade my pitifully small amount of space...and then have digestive problems.
Convince me that always-happy people aren't on anti-depressants or some other kind of medication.
Explain the difference between an atheist and a bitter Catholic.
Find the one kid who actually likes getting those miniature boxes of raisins for Halloween.
Explain why anyone in their right mind would ever watch a soap opera.
I hope to walk into the local Dollar Store and ask, "What's the most expensive thing in here?"
Identify the person who decided that apple pie would go well with a piece of cheddar cheese.
I wish people would stop telling me to not be so judgmental. How else am I supposed to feel better than everyone else?
Bring back the 60's and 70's. Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll were all considered normal. Now when I meet guys, it means they take high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes medications while listening to oldies music.
Tell me you really believe that "bottled water from real glaciers" stuff.
And, finally, I hope I don't have to come up with another list like this until next year. Happy 2012!